Two Kinds of Broken! Which One Do You Identify With?

In today’s church lingo, the word “broken” has become the go-to term for the definition of our state of being.  The term is used in songs, sermon’s, books, articles and yes… blogs.  We use the word to describe our condition(s). 

Before you read much farther, I do want to clarify something upfront! If you are currently brokenhearted and hurting from wrongs done to you, take note that your situation is different than what I referring to here.  Thankfully, Jesus does address your situation in Luke 4:18 and states that He has been sent to heal the brokenhearted.  In Psalms 147:3 God promises that He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  There is hope and healing for your broken heart.    

In this writing, I’m referring to the church attributing every negative issue to our broken state.  We attribute our failures, our inabilities, and our physical imperfections to our brokenness.  We have accepted the mindset that all the imperfect things about ourselves should be attributed to our brokenness.   However, brokenness, as the scripture mentions is quite different. The word is used properly when we speak of humbling ourselves in surrender to God with the purpose of Him flowing through us, for his glory.

This world we live in is broken.  Before coming to Christ we were broken.  God does not see us as broken beings, if we are in Christ.  As a matter of fact, scripture tells us that we are complete in Him (Colossians 2:10).  This claim by the church that “we are just broken People” feels like a “Yeah but” against what God says about us. Don’t get me wrong - we are to be broken!  Brokenness is not a result of the exterior happenings that make us feel less than or not enough.  Nor is it the weariness we experience due to us holding onto some expected outcome.  Brokenness is not the emotional trauma that we have endured and carried ourselves, only to find that our strength was not enough.   It is not the excuses we make for ourselves. The brokenness the Bible speaks of is completely different.  Grace, (the power to be and do what we can’t be and do in our own strength) covers our inadequacies caused by the fall in the Garden of Eden and our old nature. 

The Apostle Paul writes in the book of 2 Corinthians, chapter 12, “when I am weak, then I am strong,” (as one who is depending on God’s grace).  The external things that destroy the faith of many people are what Paul considered pleasure and delight! How could he say that about our trials? Because he knew God’s grace would strengthen him. He also knew that God’s grace was always sufficient for whatever came his way! In personal weakness, God’s grace imparts strength. His power is perfected in our weakness. Weakness without this grace is misery and continued weakness.

Scriptural brokenness is not the results of something that happens to us.  True Brokenness results in Us happening to something!  It’s not being victimized by circumstances but is being dependent upon and submitted to God’s plan and power in order to destroy the works of darkness and bring light to those situations. Life’s truest satisfaction comes when He increases and we decrease (John 3:30).  For it is God who works in you (us), both to will and to work for His good pleasure. (Philippians 2:13)

“There is something of great value within us, but we are like pots made of earth and clay.  This power is greater than any other power. But it comes from God, not from us.  We have much trouble, but we do not give up.  We are in hard places, but help always comes.  (2 Corinthians  4:7-8 World English New Testament)  

In biblical times clay pots that contained valuable items were typically sealed.  In many cases there was no way to sample what was inside a container. The container had to be broken to access the treasure within.  As it is with the vessel that this scripture speaks of, we must be broken, willingly, to allow the power of God within us to be manifested.

 Notice that circumstances and hardships listed in the scripture above are not what is referred to as brokenness, or the cause of brokenness.  There is hope and help in all circumstances.  Breaking is what comes from our humility to God’s greatness and goodness.

Scriptural brokenness is intentional.  It is deliberate with a purpose in mind.  

 The night Jesus was handed over to the soldiers, He took bread. When He had given thanks, He broke it and said, “Take this bread and eat it. This is My body which is broken for you. Do this to remember Me.” (1 Cor. 11:23-24).

Jesus intentionally gave Himself to be broken for us!  Brokenness for the believer means to die to self so that His abundant life can flow through us, bringing life to others.  Brokenness is necessary to reveal purpose.  Every Christian’s purpose is about the Kingdom of God and living for something bigger than ourselves, for those other than ourselves.

As the popular saying goes, “Think broken – Feel broken – Act broken”….  Okay, I admit, that’s not a popular saying.  I’ve never heard that before now, but there’s truth in those words.  Brokenness is not a state of being that needs healing.  It’s the beginning of something powerful.  As long as we keep telling ourselves that we are broken, in the sense that we are focusing on our faults and circumstances, we will live in that reality.   We have a choice in what and who we IDENTIFY with! Let’s stop using the word “Broken” as an indicator of what’s wrong with us and realize it is a powerful reference of humility and submission to God’s reign, which leads to revival and restoration for ourselves and others. 

It's Automatic!

So many times we try modifying our behavior, believing that changing our actions will somehow change us. As noble as that might seem, transformation takes place from the inside out.

Each of us have things written on our hearts. These things become the truth we live out. Some of those things are good and healthy, while some things are debilitating and unhealthy.

These truths are written by experiences and events from our past. They are planted in us by the words of others and the things we tell ourselves about ourselves.

Even if something does not line up with God’s truth about us, but we believe it, it becomes our life’s guide. We only live, behave, function from what our heart perceives as our truth.

Perhaps that’s why Proverbs 4:23, teaches us, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it."

If you’re looking for transformation in your life, let’s start by looking at changing your perceived truth about yourself! Change then becomes automatic. Your truth determines how you see yourself fitting, functioning, and flourishing in the world around you. It’s your sense of identity - Identity is everything!

What destination, what outcome, what results will your next step lead you to?

Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #8 Your Overall Health Requires These!

Estrangement has some powerfully negative affects on all parties involved, but especially when the separation is between an adult child and a parent. More families than ever before are experiencing this epidemic of divided families.

Family estrangement can be shattering to the identity (sense of self) of the one who has been cut off from their family member. One of the most accurate explanations that I’ve heard is summed up this way. “Estrangement creates a uniquely devastating form of grief in which an estranged family member often mourns the living.”

Not only does it cause one or more family members to grieve, it creates issues of mistrust, lack of purpose, feelings of isolation - even from other healthy relationships, self esteem problems, rumination, unhealthy eating and sleeping habits, and the list goes on!

Taking good care of your physical and mental health is critically important during a period of estrangement. Being INTENTIONAL in a few things can go a long way in surviving estrangement.

1. Catch the ruminating thoughts and change them. It’s easy to stay focussed on our pain. It’s natural to ruminate on the negative circumstances of broken relationships. Scripture tells us in the book of Philippians, the fourth chapter, verses eight and nine, to be intentional with our thoughts. The Apostle Paul writes, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.”

2. Partner with someone else for accountability, encouragement and prayer. This could be a friend or neighbor. It could be someone from your church or organization. It could be someone who has the same problems you have, or someone with different circumstances. This doesn’t mean that the other person does all the helping though. Studies show that when we give of ourselves, ( in spite of our own needs), we actually benefit in many ways from helping others. It’s the principle of seed faith. It’s sowing and reaping, giving and receiving! Purpose takes place when we touch the lives of others in a positive way. Purpose actually Is touching the lives of others in a positive way! A sense of purpose can restore our own souls. It gets our eyes on the more complete picture of our lives. It gives us faith that as we help others in need, God sees our seeds of love and kindness and will cause the reciprocal action to be reaped in our lives, as well as the lives of our estranged loved one. Doing for others when we need something ourselves - This is the Golden Rule lived out!

   As partners, regularly encourage healthy eating and sleeping habits. Listen with a compassionate ear, and pray with and for each other.

3. Invite God into your situation! God may not have caused the issues or the pain, but he wants to be a part of helping you in your journey. The scripture stated above ends with this promise - “The God of Peace will be with you!” I will take the peace of God in my life any day! But this promise is about his presence, as the God of peace. The instructional part of the verse is about intentional thought and doing what we know to be right. The promise part of the scripture is that He will be with us.

   My prayer for you -

   Father, we come to you in prayer, needing help. We need your strength, wisdom and guidance. We need your healing in our families. Forgive us in the areas we have failed. We choose to forgive others who have hurt us. We invite you into our situations. We invite you into our pain. We surrender our loved ones, our relationships, our hearts, our failures, and our pain to you - our source of life! Holy Spirit lead me and my loved ones into your truth. We receive your strength for the journey, and your healing in our lives. In Jesus’ name, Amen!

Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #7 Parental Shame

There’s an added weight that parents with estranged adult children deal with. On top of the persistent, self doubting questions, the pain and silence that accompanies birthdays, holidays, and everyday life, there is a private sense of shame that many parents deal with. After all, how do you explain to friends and family, who haven’t experienced estrangement, the what’s and why’s of what you don’t completely understand yourself?

It’s common for parents of estranged adult children to question everything about their own parenting abilities, their identity, their worth and many other things. This shame is not as focussed on the guilt of mistakes, as much as it is an attack on who we are as human beings. It’s an unhealthy label that attempts to define us as failures, and relegate us to hopelessness.

While estrangement has been around since the days of Cain and Able, it has had an incredible spike in the last decade or so.

Nearly 1 in 3 families deal with, (effectively or ineffectively) estrangement, and many of these include estrangement between parents and their children. It’s a gaping wound within our culture. I include this growing statistic to let you know that if you are estranged from your child, you are not alone in this struggle. It’s everywhere!

I’m confident that none of us were perfect parents. I’m confident that most of us did the best we could do, but also that we have grown and matured along the way. I’m most confident that God wants to be the central part of healing this divide in our families.

In the Biblical story of the prodigal son, there was no indication that the father had given his son a reason to ask for his inheritance, (Which is the same a saying, I wish you were dead) and then leave. The reasons for the sons actions were held within the son’s interpretations and filters of his own soul and life. Accept that not everything your child does is about your failures as a parent.

I’m not insinuating that one hundred percent of estrangement situations are unjustified. But I would wager my life that most are uncalled for and unnecessary.

Shame will never lead you in a positive direction. If you have made mistakes as a parent, repent and move forward, without the sense of shame. Move forward in hope, move forward in faith, move forward knowing God wants to play a part in healing your relationships.

God has provided a way for us to live without shame. It’s part of our redemption. It’s part of our relationship with Christ. As our redeemer, he offers us a release from shame. Scripture teaches us that, “Because the Sovereign Lord helps me, I will not be disgraced. Therefore, I have set my face like flint, (on God) and I know I will not be put to shame.” (Isaiah 50:7) And “Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; NO SHADOW OF SHAME WILL DARKEN THEIR FACES!” (Psalms 34:5)

If you struggle with shame as a parent, or feel shame in any other area of your life, God wants you to be free you from this dread.

God desires restoration. He doesn’t want to restore “what was”. He wants to restore and renew to a healthy relationship. He forgives when we repent. Perhaps it’s time to forgive yourself and be free from the parental shame of estrangement.

For more help in Surviving Estrangement, my contact information is provided on the contact page of this sight!

What destination will your next step lead you to?

Surviving Estrangement (with your sanity)! #6 Have You Imagined That Day?

Have you imagined it? Have you thought about what that day looks and feels like? You know - The day when the reunion takes place, and the power of estrangement crumbles! Have you rehearsed it? The father in the story of the prodigal son did. Scripture tells us that The Father was looking for the return of his son. In Luke 15, verse 20, we see that the son “got up and went to his father - but while he was a still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him, and kissed him.”

The only way the father could have saw his son from a long way off, is if he was intentionally looking for the reunion! So I ask again - How have you imagined it? What have you rehearsed?

Have you rehearsed acceptance?

Have you rehearsed giving him or her a piece of your mind?

Have you envisioned an open heart and arms in a way that speaks to their IDENTITY?

The father had been wronged! He was pretty much told by the son that he wanted his inheritance, meaning he wished his father was dead! That’s pretty harsh! But notice that the father only acted in a way toward s his son, that spoke to his son’s need for identity. “Bring the best robe and put it on him. Bring a ring and put on his finger. Bring sandals for his feet! Let’s celebrate this homecoming!” ALL THESE THINGS SPEAK ABOUT IDENTITY, ACCEPTANCE, AND BELONGING! It’s what we all long for.

Scripture tells us to “Bless those who persecute us; Bless and Do Not Curse!” The father of this prodigal surely had a reason to feel harmed, and to hold his son at arms length. He could have scolded, he could have commented on the sure smell of swine coming from his son. (He had been tending hogs) He could have asked where all the money went. But he blessed his son instead!

As a parent or partaker in an estranged relationship, will you bless or curse the situation by the words you speak? What does scripture encourage us to say in times like this? 

It says, “Gentle words bring life and health; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit (Proverbs 15:4).  A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger (Proverbs 15:1).  Kind words are like honey – sweet to the soul and healthy for the body.”  (Proverbs 16:24)

So! Go ahead and imagine it! Rehearse it! Envision it! Look beyond what you see with your physical eyes - Let compassion rise within you! Prepare your words - Prepare your heart, because God is doing a good thing in families!

What is Christian Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?

Cognitive Behavior Therapy is based on the idea that how we think (cognition), how we feel (emotion) and how we act (behavior) all interact together. Specifically, our thoughts determine our feelings and our behavior. Therefore, negative and unrealistic thoughts can cause us distress and result in problems. 

CBT is an approach to counseling with statistics to verify its effectiveness and value. There are questions raised as to whether Christians should consider this approach to counseling. Many Christian counselors believe that CBT is very much in line with God’s word and that utilizing CBT techniques is successful in helping Christians recognize faulty core beliefs and negative patterns of thinking and processing. Christian counseling utilizing CBT even has advantages over a secular approach to CBT counseling.

According to Christian Psychologist, Dr. Mark R. McMinn, “There are at least two reasons why Christians are well suited for this method (of counseling).

First, cognitive therapy requires clients to compare their thoughts with truth to see if they are understanding reality accurately. This is challenging for agnostics, who have difficulty finding standards for truth. Christians believe truth is revealed in scripture, giving them a useful way to evaluate their thoughts.”

“The second reason this method is well suited to Christians is that they believe in God’s love - the only love that is purely unconditional. Many people, due to flawed relationships, find that their deepest fears stem from rejection, abandonment or lack of love. Treating these fears requires disputing their core beliefs. These beliefs can more easily be disputed by people who acknowledge God’s unconditional love. While those closest to us sometimes are the cause of these fears and beliefs, God’s love never results in rejection.”

With CBT, we visit past events in the lives of clients, but only to bring healing to events and traumatic experiences. We are encouraged by scripture to not live in the past or let the past dominate our lives. The Apostle Paul was perhaps the most persecuted of all Apostles. It was from a Roman prison cell that he wrote a letter to the believers at the church of Philippi. He was threatened with execution on a regular basis, and by the grace of God had survived severe torture and miserable circumstances. Somehow he found joy and strength to write these words of encouragement to his friends:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think on these things. (Phil. 4:8)

Paul endorsed a view about thoughts and feelings that coincides with two basic assumptions of cognitive therapy: Bad events do not require us to feel awful and that healthy thinking allows us to control our feelings. Events contribute to feelings, but they do not cause feelings. CBT believes that healthy, accurate thinking enables people to cope with life’s trials.

CBT coincides with Scripture in “taking every thought captive.”

2 Cor 10:5, The apostle Paul teaches us that we are to take every thought captive and make it submissive to Christ. We are instructed to submit our thoughts to Jesus Christ. In challenging our self-talk, we learn to speak truth against lies. We learn to question what thoughts are truthful, and what thoughts are lies regarding who we are and our identity, how we see the world around us, and how we think about situations. 

Renewing our mind is CBT

In Romans 12:2 we learn that we are transformed by renewing our minds. CBT describes how you can have a new perspective on the way you think, feel and behave by changing how you see events or situations. This can be done at any point in time, even reflecting upon past experiences. It is a quick tool to use by asking “Do I really believe this or not?” Renewing the mind is a major attribute of CBT.

These are positive examples of why CBT is a scriptural way to help Christians deal with many types of issues such as fear, stress, anxiety, self-image, as well as others.

Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #5

Our journey as believers is one of faith.  Our journey as parents with estranged children is also of faith.  Our faith is not to be based on current circumstances, and not in what our natural senses dictate to us, but in a supernatural God who desires to participate in all areas of our lives.  The same God who performed all the miracles of the Bible, and changed the hearts of so many, wants to partner with us in hope and healing of our families.  Today I encourage you to trust that our "God of Miracles" is always working behind the scenes, working out details, and working on our behalf in everything, and every relationship that pertains to us.

PSALMS 90:16-17 (TPT)
“Let us see your miracles again, and let the rising generation see the glorious wonders you’re famous for. O Lord our God, let your sweet beauty rest upon us and give us favour. Come work with us, and then our works will endure, and give us success in all we do.”

Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #4

It’s easy in family estrangement situations to become angry, hurt, and frustrated. It’s easy to point a finger in blame. In a perfect world we would avoid the pain of estrangement, but we live in a fallen world with broken humanistic systems and broken people. This combination can lead to feeling like family is the enemy. This is not the truth.

God teaches us that Our fight is not against human beings. It is against the rulers, the authorities and the powers of this dark world. It is against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly world. (Ephesians 6:12)

We can effectively pray for our estranged loved one. We have the authority to pray against the divisive spirit of darkness that desires to destroy our families.

I encourage you to stand firmly on God’s promises, like this one in Genesis 17:7. “I will establish my covenant as an everlasting covenant between me and you and your descendants after you for the generations to come, to be your God and the God of your descendants after you.”

God wants to restore families!

Surviving Estrangement (with Your Sanity) ! #3

When facing estrangement from an adult child, we realize quickly that there’s no pain like “Kid pain”. No one can hurt us like our children can. One key to surviving with our sanity is surrender! God knows the pain we feel. When we surrender our children to God we can be sure that God is willing and able to do his work in their lives, (without our meddling) . Surrender them, and leave them with Him. This means surrender the desired outcome, surrender your motives, surrender your need to be right, surrender control, surrender your pain. Your children need a healthy YOU, when God brings them back!

God is a restoring God! Let Him do what he does best! Surrender and trust. Find rest for your soul!

Surviving Estrangement (With Your Sanity)! #2

God in all his wisdom and foreknowledge, looked ahead in time and knew that these days were

coming. He saw when a season of separation and heartache would tear the hearts of families. It was for this time, that the promise was given through the Prophet Malachi.

God spoke about a prophetic move regarding family restoration in Malachi chapter four, that would, “Turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the hearts of the children to their parents.”

Groundhog Day Mindset!

I know that there are many of you who remember the movie Groundhog Day.  In this 1993 film, (yes, I’m Old!) the main character, Phil Connors, played by Bill Murray finds himself reliving Groundhog Day over and over again.  He stays trapped in this cycle that causes him to relive the same day for what many who have seen the movie, believe to be years.  To make a long movie short, (101 minutes) the character finally finds a way out of his predicament.  The way out of his circumstances was brought by transformation.  When he changed he was released from this cycle! (plus he won the heart of the girl)!

Many of us live in a Groundhog Day scenario by getting stuck in our thoughts and negativity.  The things we hope changes don’t, mainly because we think too much of the same negative way over and over again! According to the National Science Foundation, 80% of people’s thoughts are negative, and 95% of those thoughts are repetitive.  These are thoughts people struggle with, and will continue to struggle with, putting them in a cycle of living with the same results over and over again. What they experienced yesterday, they will experience tomorrow!

People tell me in counseling sessions, on a perpetual basis, “I can’t help what I think about, the thoughts are just there in my head! I can’t do anything about them. They seem to control how I feel and what I do!”

While I understand how natural it is to experience those negative, gloomy thoughts, it’s important to understand that we can do something with them and about them. We do have the ability to arrest and overcome disabling thought patterns that bombard our minds and control our lives. Whether we deal with thoughts of hopelessness, depression, despair, shame, or fear.  Or if the mental struggles are regarding lack or scarcity mindset or even seemingly uncontrollable thoughts of a lascivious nature, we have the power within us to change those thought patterns that lead our lives to an unhealthy place. Thoughts do lead to feelings, attitudes, choices, and actions. Looking back on our lives weI have to admit that a lot of the actions we took were due to unhealthy thoughts we had regarding something, someone or ourselves.

There are a few ways of thinking that I want to address briefly.  Simply being aware of our negative patterns, can be helpful to make the changes that we need to make. Transformation is possible!  Change is possible!

One pattern of haunting mindsets, involves thoughts regarding finality. These are thoughts that deal with only seeing an unchangeable conclusion to some thing or area of our lives. Those thoughts that tell us, “This (I / he / she / it) will ALWAYS be this way! Or circumstances will NEVER be any other way!” This mindset robs us hope for the future and reinforces anxiety, fear, and heartache.

Nearly all limiting ways of thinking have to do with perception. Choosing to see only a part of the picture of our circumstances is harmful. What’s even more harmful is not seeing that all thoughts we have are not necessarily the truth, just because we think them! Many people choose to focus on the negative, even when there are other positive parts to a story or situation. I’ve had a sign over my chair in my office for several years that says this. “Don’t allow the presence of the part to determine the perception of the whole.” Often our sight and thoughts are focused on a particular blemish instead of the benefit or the positive within a scenario. This is evident in relationships when a person is focused on a negative trait of their partner, while disregarding the many good qualities of that person. The same holds true in scenarios like jobs, churches, or group memberships, etc.

Rumination is a word I used to dislike, but I find myself using it quite often! It’s the chronic, repetitive thinking on the negative, causing feelings of dread. King David made this statement in the Bible, in the book of Psalms, chapter 19, verse 14. “Let the words of my mouth and the meditation (rumination) of my heart be pleasing to you oh God.” David wasn’t referring to intentionally sitting down in a quiet place to meditate on something he wanted to manifest.  That kind of meditation can be helpful, but he was referring to his automatic, subconscious thoughts that flowed from the beliefs of his heart. The beliefs of our heart are what we live out of. They guide our lives! If we want to change our behavior, we must change our thoughts and beliefs. Many of us have tried behavior modification to bring some kind of change, but we know what a chore that can be. It’s only when we change our deepest-seated beliefs that our behavior changes automatically.

Some of us are guilty of catastrophizing. This is when we fixate on the worst possible scenario or outcome. It is such a challenging way of thinking. It’s having faith in the negative. It’s a way of manifesting what we fear. The Old Testament character Job made this statement after experiencing a major loss in his life - “The thing I feared most has come upon me.” The story of Job is one of the most “head scratching-est” (my own made up word) stories in the bible. I’m not saying that everything bad that happens is due to our own fears! But I am saying, our fears are an expectation of what we think about with dread.   There’s a good reason why the Bible has 365 scriptures instructing us to not be afraid.  If God tells us to not be afraid, we must be able to not be afraid!  Does this statement I made sound liberating or confusing?  Or something else?  Is it possible to live without fear, stress, and anxiety?  Yes, thank God it is!

Unforgiveness, resentment and regret are also things that keep us from living our best lives. They are each a chain that locks us to the past. They hinder us from moving forward into a healthier life, and from the vision that God has for us. While resentment has to do with our judgment towards others, regret has to do with judgment towards ourselves, and unforgiveness has to do with judgment towards either of the two. Judgment is an expected penalty or sentence passed on someone. When we judge others, our judgment towards others comes back to us like a boom-a-rang. When it does, it seems to ask us this question - what does this (scenario or situation regarding another person who I’m judging) say about me? We typically answer that question in the wrong way, and create a feeling of insignificance and lack about ourselves. Or, we apply too much significance to ourselves that blinds us from seeing the complete truth. Jesus said, “For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged; and with the same measure you use, it will be measured to you.” While a few translations insert God into this verse, it’s really not referring to God judging us - it’s referring to judgment of our own heart bringing judgment to ourselves. This judgment creates questions regarding our own sense of significance, which in turn creates a negativity regarding our identity. Our heart is the seat of our identity, and we live our lives out of these beliefs of our heart.

So, what’s a person to do about these and other negative mindsets? We begin with accepting responsibility for our thought life. Our thoughts come from three sources. We are intelligent beings who are able to generate our own thoughts. We also receive thoughts from the kingdom of light. God speaks to us and leads us, as is indicated many times in scripture. We are also susceptible to receiving thoughts from the kingdom of darkness. These are the thoughts that can bring a sense of gloom and doom, envy, anxiety, dread and many other things that lead to negative or shamefull feelings. Every thought that we have, has the potential to lead to a feeling, and eventually an attitude, a decision, and an action. Have you ever done something and looked at the results and said, “What the heck was I thinking?” It was generally the thoughts we accepted from the kingdom of darkness that created that slide down the slippery slope!

God’s word is a powerful and active force in our lives. However, to the degree that we believe it, is the degree that it works in our lives.  Ephesians 3:20 reminds us that, “God is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that is at work in us!”  God’s power works according to the level that we agree with Him!  If we believe that we have God’s help and power to catch, challenge, and change our thoughts, then we will do so. If we don’t believe it, we won’t. We are instructed to arrest and take captive the thoughts of darkness that we are presented with. Just because a thought comes to us, doesn't mean we have to dwell on it. We are informed in scripture to die to the flesh, (our fleshly nature).  The Apostle Paul wrote that how he lives free from the flesh is in accordance with how he MINDS (thinks about) the things of the flesh. Sometimes, all it takes is a thought or two to breathe life into that old Adamic nature. Romans chapter twelve instructs us to not be conformed to this world but transformed by the renewing of our minds. This is not talking about scripture memorization. While that’s important, this verse is telling us to renew the way we process thoughts. The mind is part of the soul, which is the combination our mind, will and emotions. This has to do with the way we think, choose, and feel. It all works together. Clearly, God has given us the responsibility as well as the power to control our thought life, which in turn affects the fruit we bear and actions we take. That’s transformation!

When we struggle with anxiety or stress, we can remember that scripture tells us in Isaiah 26:3 “I will keep you in perfect peace, if your minds (imagination) is stayed on me.”  God wants us to trust him in trying times.  Thinking on His promises and speaking His promises help us to transform our lives!

There are promises from God in His word that gives us hope and victory in every situation of life, even Groundhog Day thinking!  We must take responsibility for our thought life.  We can stop the torturing thoughts that run rampant in our lives!  Getting out of these cycles requires discipline, but this work brings transformation with it. With His grace we overcome!

For more personal help or counseling with this topic, please contact me through the information provided on my website, www.ascendchristiancounseling.com

I’d love to help you on your journey, and help you in creating a new way of thinking, believing, and experiencing God’s truth for your life.

Be well!

 Michael

I thought So!

 I was thinking today about the things I had been thinking about.  Then I thought again!  Maybe what I’ve been thinking about, hasn’t been the best thoughts I could think.  I thought about my worries and concerns, but that led to more troublesome thoughts.  So, I thought about changing my thoughts to more positive thoughts.  At first, I didn’t think I could, but after I read where the Bible tells me to take every thought captive, I realized I could, so I did!  Those thoughts led to thoughts and feelings of hope and peace.  Then I thought, why didn’t I think of that sooner.  Then I read about what God thinks about me. His thoughts were good thoughts and not evil thoughts. His thoughts give me hope and a future. So, if I think His thoughts, I think I’ll think better, healthier, truer thoughts about me and my world.  After thinking about my thought options, I think I’ll intentionally think about God’s promises and not the thoughts that lead to worry and anxiety – you know, those thoughts that Jesus said would make my heart troubled or afraid if I thought them. 

 So, I encourage myself and you as well, to think about what we’re thinking about throughout the day.  Our thoughts will always dictate our feelings.  Let’s captivate our thoughts before our thoughts captivate us.  God’s promise is that He will keep us in perfect peace if our thoughts are kept on Him.   Now I’m thinking that If I find myself encouraged or discouraged, it’s typically because of what I’ve been thinking!  Then I have to think honestly with myself and admit -  I thought so!

Change isn’t Change Until..

A long time ago, in a land not too far away, I was at Bible College in Broken Arrow, Oklahoma when the school had a guest speaker whose name was Edwin Louis Cole. Mr Cole’s ministry was predominantly oriented towards men, but he was a powerful, insightful teacher to any gender who had ears to hear.

I can’t tell you the title of his message to the students at Rhema Bible College, but I remember one statement like it was yesterday, even though it has actually been over forty years ago. In his message he stated, “Change isn’t change until there’s change.” For some reason, those few simple words have stuck with me all this time. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t always like change, however, I do realize that without change, there can be no growth.

Here’s the point I want to make! Many times, we confuse hoping for change, praying for change, thinking about change, and talking about change as things that equate to change. The fact is, none of these noble things do. While it is good to hope for, pray for, think about, and talk about change, unless we put intentions into practice, we are only deceiving ourselves into thinking growth is happening.

Change is the one thing that measures itself. Change is noticeable. Growth is measured by change, not by the desire to grow.

So, what is it that thing or area of your life that you are hoping for growth in? What are you praying for change in. I’m sure you’ve heard of the saying, “ If you want something you’ve never had, DO something you’ve never done!” Don’t just pray, think, hope and talk about fulfilling your dreams and desires.

Step out of your usual, typical way of doing life and change something. Take a class, seek help, find a counselor. If you want change, do something that change can measure. Because CHANGE ISN’T CHANGE UNTIL THERE’S CHANGE!

Overcoming Stress, Anxiety, and Fear Part 1

In this video I discuss how to overcome stress, anxiety and fear using biblical principles so you can live your best life.

The power of Your Uniqueness!

According to Dictionary.com, the definition of uniqueness is, “the quality of being unlike anything else of its kind or of being solitary in type or characteristics”.

Everyone has uniqueness within them.  No two people are identical in every way, not even identical twins.  We are all created with a God given, unique, set of giftings, talents, strengths and abilities.  This sense of uniqueness comes from the creative heart of God.   When we recognize and embrace this uniqueness, we become empowered.

On the flip side of that coin, we are sometimes more prone to believe that the trials or negative circumstances in our lives are unique to only us.  Sometimes it feels like we are “the only ones with this issue”.  We are led to believe that the things we consider ugly or negative about ourselves are things no one else deals with.   This sense of uniqueness comes from a fallen, blame and shame filled world and will weaken and encumber us.  It will also cause us to feel alone and secluded, as well as inadequate for God’s use.

When we define our lives and uniqueness by our problems, or failures, it leads to a false, unhealthy sense of identity.  It’s only when we see ourselves through God’s eyes, and by His opinion, that we find a healthy sense of uniqueness and identity.  You are unconditionally loved, completely accepted and approved by God through Christ.  We are each uniquely gifted.  God’s good and personalized thoughts for each of us are so numerous we can’t even count them as they outnumber the grains of sand.  (Psalms 139)

God’s grace, the exchange of our weaknesses for His strength, is always available to help us in any situation we find ourselves in.  There’s not anything He hasn’t seen or overcome. And He has never said, “Oops”, about you or your life!

Be encouraged that you are unique and one of a kind.  This uniqueness empowers us to live the life that God has planned for us; a life that reveals his love and glory to the world around us, in a way that no one else can.

Two Stories

We are destined to live our lives by one of two stories.   Each of these two stories lead to how we feel, interpret, decide and act throughout our lives.  Both stories have equal power to determine our future.  Both stories are based upon what and how we think.

The first story is the story that God tells us about us.  It’s a story of unconditional love and acceptance through Christ.  This uncommon love, found in the Hebrew word “Hesed’” is the kind of love that refuses not to love, in spite of life’s report cards or performances.  This story includes His willingness to send His son to die for us so that He could be our substitute, pay sin’s penalty for receive Christ’s reward.  It’s a story based upon the truth as God sees it, of our potential, value, significance and our purpose that was deposited into us during the season of our mother’s womb.  It’s partly described in Psalms 139.  It tells how divinely unique and uniquely divine the creator made us.  This tale encourages us to press onward during difficult times because courage and strength are promised to us.  If we face the best of times or the worst of times, God’s plan is that we are destined to be more than conquerors. Each chapter of this story supports our faith and determination.  This opinion God has of us is founded on the fact that He sees us “In Christ” and “Christ in us”.  It’s the best story and version of ourselves that we could ever imagine.  What sounds like a fable and fairy tale is actually the highest truth that exists.

Then there’s the second story:  This second story has the power to override the first.  We tend to accept it because it’s based upon facts as we see them, therefore it appears to be more believable to us.  This is the story Michael tells Michael about Michael.  It’s the story you tell yourself about yourself.  It’s the tale of the human heart that plays inside each of us throughout our lives.  It consists of specific, descriptive, diminishing, condemning words we tell ourselves on an ongoing basis.  It’s the words of parents, family members, teachers, coaches, supposed friends, and others that find their way into our story in a convincing manner.  These words have become automatic in the way we internally process our life and our identity.  This story is not just composed of the words we use to describe ourselves, but it’s also made up from the questions we ask about ourselves.  C.S. Lewis said, “It’s critically important to examine the assumptions within a question”.  I’m sure that this statement applies to politics, religion, and many other areas of life, but this also applies to our story – It applies to our identity.  When we compare ourselves to others, when we are overly judgmental to ourselves, about ourselves.  We ask ourselves questions like, why do I always_____, why can’t I be a better_____, why don’t I____?  As we do, we drive the assumptions about ourselves deeper into the beliefs of our hearts.  This story is the story of our identity.  It determines the filters by which we perceive ourselves, our value and significance.  Our personal sense of identity also determines how will relate to others, God and the world around us in general.

Proverbs 4:23 encourages us to guard our hearts with all diligence because out of it flow the issues of life. The heart, is the seat of our identity.  God’s word encourages us to guard our hearts, from the wrong story, because the story we believe will direct our lives. 

If we accept the failures of our past to be our story, we will approach ourselves, others, God and the world around us out of failure. 

As a man (or woman) thinks in their heart, so are they! Proverbs 23:7.  There are a couple truths in this scripture that time prevents me from explaining here, but one truth is that the beliefs of our hearts will direct our behavior.  We all live our lives out of the story we believe in our hearts.  This is why we must bring into harmony the story we tell ourselves about ourselves with the story that God tells us about us.

The amount of courage or lack thereof we have is determined by the story we believe to be true about ourselves.  The success or failure we experience is, at least to a large degree, an expression of the story our heart believes.   All our issues flow from our own hearts.  When we change the beliefs of our heart, typically about our accepted identity, we change outcomes, we change behavior, we change our future and the future of our descendants. 

There are some who tell themselves a positive story about themselves.  It may not be healthy, but it is positive – temporarily!    We all know those people who appear to have it all together.  They are confident, and enviable.  Their identity seems to have no chinks in it.  However, when the winds of adversity blow, when the ground shakes, when the market collapses, when all hell breaks loose – will they still be standing?  The trying times reveal to us what we are founded upon.  It’s only when we are solidly founded in an identity built upon Christ and His word that we will have a healthy sense of identity.  That’s the solid rock.  That’s the firm foundation.  All other ground is sinking sand.

God has an opinion of you that is greater than anything we could think or imagine.  His word declares a story about you that is full of purpose.  It’s fulfilling.  It’s a choice to believe.  His story about you is bursting with Kingdom life and potential.

We have the ability to change our story through the power of the Holy Spirit and God’s word. 

Thankfully, we can renew our minds and hearts to the new information that God’s story tells us.  Our biggest hindrance to a life well lived is not your enemy – it’s not the people who mistreated you – its not the opposing political party – it’s not even the devil!  Our biggest hindrance to being the people God created us to be is the lie we believe about ourselves!  Debunk the lies! 

I want to encourage you to meditate on the things that God’s word says about you.  You are more than a conqueror! You are loved and accepted in Christ! You are created with purpose for His purpose and glory!  You are enough because of what Jesus did!  It’s time to change the story we tell ourselves about yourselves.   God’s opinion and perspective represent the most powerful truth we can live in!  

I wish I could "_____" God more!

If you could fill in the blank to the above statement, what word would you choose? Love? Know? Serve? How about Trust? Maybe there’s another word that rings true to your heart?

That which you hope for in your relationship with God is possible. Many of us have made this kind of statement before. I wish I could _____ God more! We struggle with feeling like we aren’t measuring up to someone else’s walk with God. We compare ourselves in the areas of love, trust, and service from others to God.

At times we think we are failing God in areas of our lives - then we focus on that feeling of failure. I want to encourage you that there is a “rest” that we can enter. We can cease from striving with and within ourselves when we learn about Grace. It’s that thing that we sing about how amazing it is but are not sure we have a real grasp of it.

Grace is a willing yet unequal exchange by two parties. For one party, it’s letting go of weaknesses and inabilities and accepting the other party’s strength and ability. For the second party, it’s eagerly accepting the deficits of the first party and providing the resource to bring change. It’s not a fair exchange but I’ll take it. This exchange was God’s idea, and He is willing to make the investment.

Grace gives us the power to be what we can’t be, and the power to do what we can’t do within ourselves. This starts with our salvation experience with God. We are saved by grace, and not by any power in ourselves. When we realize that we can’t work our way into God’s acceptance, we ask for grace. I understand that I don’t deserve to be a child of God, but His grace enables me to be.

After we receive Christ, every bit of our walk with God is a continuation of His grace at work in our lives. The Apostle Paul tells us that God’s grace is sufficient in all things. Paul endured perilous times but came through them with more power and determination. Paul also realized that in spite of his personal strengths and notable education, these things weren’t enough to equip him for his calling. He was an Apostle, only by the grace of God. As talented as a lot of people are, their gifts can’t take them to the place God wants them to be. However, God’s grace is enough to save, call, equip, and provide for while on the journey.

There’s only one thing required from us if we want to experience God’s grace in our lives. That requirement is humility! Scripture tells us that God gives grace to the humble but resists the proud. From the time we first experience salvation, to living the life in Christ that we want is a journey in grace.

If grace were an airplane, in search of a place to land, it can only land on a soul given to humility. Humility is simply saying, “I can’t - but God, you can”. It’s realizing and confessing, “I’m not enough, but Father you are, and I need your help”. Help is what scripture encourages us boldly approach God’s throne for when He provides Grace!

I can’t love God or serve God in my own strength to the degree I think i should. But when I ask for grace to do so, He gives it. I can’t know God or trust God enough within myself, but there’s a grace for that. God happily gives us grace upon grace for any area of our lives that we need. Are we trusting in our own strength or His?

The next time you feel inadequate, know that God has grace for that through Jesus. When you feel not enough guess what? His grace makes us enough. When you’ve failed miserably in life or at life, there’s a grace for that. When your relationships are struggling, God has a special grace that is enough to remain committed and at peace within ourselves.

God doesn’t stiff arm us to keep us away in dark times, he only asks that we come to Him with humility, It’s the response of our soul to God. It’s a response regarding our weaknesses as well as strengths. God wants from us, like He did from the Apostle Paul, to offer both the good and bad in our lives in surrender to Him. We can acknowledge our inabilities and rest that His grace is always more than enough.

We don’t have to just wish we could do more or be more….By God’s grace we become empowered and enabled to!

Be Well,

Michael

Mom's Everywhere Were Wrong!

I went for a 4-mile run this morning on the Venetian Waterway Trail in Venice, FL.  As I left the house it began to rain  and my first thought was, “I guess I need to turn around”. 

Immediately something or someone, maybe my inner child, spoke up, encouraging me to live on the wild side - So I proceeded…in the rain.

It wasn’t a heavy, drenching rain.  It was more than a drizzle.  It was rhythmic. and it was  inviting .

As I continued I found a comfortable pace. I wasn’t breaking any personal speed records, but I wasn’t trying. I wasn’t inconvenienced by the rain - it was soothing, and joyful.  I was running but not struggling.  In this rain I was living, I was healing, I was cleansing, I was rooting, I was blooming.  I was wondering….why don’t we play in the rain more often?  I felt more energy after the run than before it.  Does common sense really tell us to not play in the rain?  Or, somewhere along the way, did the dread and inconvenience of the clean-up get placed ahead of the enjoyment of one of life’s simple pleasures like singing or playing in the rain.

Not to disrespect mothers, but Ive decided that moms everywhere were wrong.  I’m so glad that today I ignored my mom’s voice in my head telling me to “have enough common sense to get out of the rain”.  Ive realized that common sense is playing in the rain.  Common sense is in most ways, enjoying life through the eyes of a child. 

Maybe I’m just getting old, but There are no little blessings in life… just God’s invitation to life…that in itself is a blessing beyond measure.

Annette…come meet me outside…in the rain!

The Chaos

Sometimes I ask God questions. Then there are times when I question God. I don’t question His existence, but at times I can be confused about what he's doing with my life and in my life. I don't want to question His heart, His faithfulness, or His intentions, however I do question the strange twists and turns that life takes. I wonder and even wander in what feels like chaos.
It’s in these times that my mind goes back to the beginning. Not my beginning. THE BEGINNING! God created the heavens and the earth and He created man in his own image. This man Adam, was simply a creation, but was not yet a living being until God breathed into him his own breath. Adam existed, having been made from the elements of the Earth. Oxygen existed before Adam was created, so that when it was time for Adam to breathe on his own he could function as a living being. The existing particles that God brought together from the ground were for-ordained for a purpose and they took on the form of Adam. Chaos existed before the earth existed as we know it. In order for there to be chaos there had to be elements within the chaos. Chaos is not nothingness. If there was nothingness it could not exist as chaos. Chaos is disorder. Chaos is having no boundaries. Chaos has no design and no form to the human eye, but this chaos was not an absence of materials for God to work with. God in his wisdom created all the elements, all the gasses, all the liquids, all the solids and laid them out in the expanse of the universe. He then took what appeared to be a mess and begin to create the Earth and the moons and the Suns and other planets. Out of The Chaos, Beauty took form. Out of Chaos something was created that only God could create.
Those times that I question God, when life feels chaotic, I get to remind myself that if God took all the elements involved in the chaos before the creation of the Earth, and made the Beauty and the Majesty that we see and experience, then what can he create with the chaos that is me and my life? I’m reminded that God does his best work when only the raw elements exist. God does his best work when there seems to be no outline, no definition, no blueprint - other than the vision of his heart that he holds for me as his son.
When I can't see through the chaos, He can and does. When I don't understand what he's doing, He does and is orchestrating the chaos into patterns and designs of love, life, and light. So my question becomes, “will I trust him in the midst of the chaos?”
Will I let him arrange the elements of my life so that the end result is Glory for him. When I try to save or create my life I lose it, but when I surrender my life, I gain so much more. When I try to control the chaos it only becomes more chaotic. In spite of all I do, in spite of all my attempts the chaos remains. But when I trust, and I let go of the chaos and the fear of life in disarray, the Creator creates, and brings to life something that never existed before. He makes all things beautiful, from our surrendered chaos.

10 Reasons Why Couples Need Premarital Counseling?

1. Consider it Preventive Maintenance.

2. Relationship Insight from a Professional.

3. Your Future Marriage and Spouse deserves the best prepared YOU.

4. Uncovers unknown areas of potential conflict.

5. Learn effective Communication Skills.

6. Financial Unity.

7. Realizing each others Expectations.

8. Healing from the Past.

9. Personal Wholeness., (Body, Soul, and Spirit)

10. Huge return on Investment.